my natural tendency is being overly anxious about communications, especially with people i need to work with, long-term, professionally.
i spiral when things eventually landed the opposite way than my most terrible imagination, and i cannot find solace in answers alone either. i spiral for the next thing. and after the next thing (whether it happens or doesn't), i act accordingly but continues my anxiety.
this tendency met its full maturity long before today. it goes far back to 11th grade when my expectations of myself always outweigh what i percieve of myself can do. that goes beyond communications. it's deep in my psyche, which regards academics, professional work, and even creative work. and i believe one of the byproducts is my indecisiveness.
i also brood about my past mistakes - how i didn't hold on to the best opportunities, how i failed others on an emotional level, how i behaved and acted back in 11th grade high school (acting extremely cocky and having all the wrong predictions of the right answers in ap bio class; being hyperactive in class for some reason; being the total opposite [extreme sleep deprivation]), how i made all kinds of decisions, how i failed simple communications with others, etc.
for example, on my first or second day of orientation, i spent some time trying to register my classes but my schedule was not able to fully display. i called for help, but in a very desperate way that probably gave my neighbor will a very bad first impression of myself. i also, for some reason, introduced him to what i was doing. it's nothing relatable to what he's doing, and i realized that later on which stopped me from being overly excited about sharing everything i do to new ppl in amherst, which are the wrong audiences.
think before i act goddamnit - that's what i tell myself everytime i think about my past mistakes. i dwell on the mistakes of my past and worry about the unknown of the future, from the smallest thing such as "is this the right way to phrase my text message" to "what if i don't have any options for mortality." and studies have found out that stress is actually the biggest contributor to aging. that's also perhaps why some people who have very opposite lifestyles (one optimizing for everything and the other, very careless, indulges in alcoholism and tobacco use) have very similar aging trajectories... both being very healthy. the latter, while not optimizing for his physical health directly, is indirectly increasing his own lifespan by his careless, or shoudl i say carefree, way of living.
and to approach both would be the most beneficial. to truly be physically healthy by being careful about what i put inside my body, which include activities + substances + (very important) the amount of stress. and the last one is perhaps the hardest.
that's actually the reason why meditations is the first item on my 2026 reading list. marcus aurelius, as one of the founding fathers of stoicism, describes in full detail about his internal journey to stoicism, in the face of a rebellius and psychopathic son, and the most powerful country of the known world. the amount of stress that man is dealing with is like a hydrogen bomb to my worries that are like a dying ant. and to learn how he deals with every negative thing - nasty people, terrible wars, familial/social struggles, and just his own state of brooding, would probably be very beneficial.
i shall start reading his work with a pen in my hand first thing in every morning. and if im diligent enough to allow myself to have sufficient sleep (which would stem from good optimization of my scheduling and productivity), that would not be a problem.
final thing: i brood in my dreams. i might go more in depth for this specific issue but not today. i don't really like my dreams for the past few months because they are very disturbing, but thankfully they do disappear for most of my waking hours. the past feuds that i had with people that are sustaining via a one sided (not my side of) disturbance is taking slight affect of me. the me that's asleep. not the me that's awake. and they spend a lot of energy trying to get to the people i know around me. to look at this situation on a macro scale it's perhaps the stupidiest thing to do, and my internal REM engine is equally unfit and incompetent.
i need to fortify my mind. so i become a more powerful person. the strengthening of my mind would inadvertently strengthen my physical body. and that is what i need to do if i don't want to be eaten alive by whatever is lurking in the shadows of this deeply complex modern society. i don't plan to be eaten alive.